Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

The Kindness of Strangers

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Often I am aware of how alone I am. I have no family and my friends are the practical kind, we sometimes do things together.

I made arrangements for my own funeral and body disposal since there is no one to do it when the time comes. I carry a device which allows me to call for help if an emergency arises no matter where I am. I depend on the kindness of strangers in an emergency.

My worst fears are living in a public nursing home, left in my mess to lie for hours while unfeeling staffers ignore me knowing I can’t cry out. That I have no one to help me. So many have passed the end of their lives this way. A final suffering of indignity. To be utterly unwanted and unnoticed. Their passing just a blip on the surface of time.

Yet I know a couple who have a son who cannot see or walk or talk but he can and does smile. He is in his thirties and knows he is loved. The mother’s life revolves around her son. I have never discussed it with the couple but I’ll bet they have made every arrangement to have him looked after when they no longer can. But I am sure they must fear for him.

One person in a loving couple can probably depend on the care of the surviving spouse. But that spouse may have indifferent children or none at all and face the same fears I do.

Suicide is a solution. Surely Job thought about it as he sat on the ash heap with only uncaring friends and a wife who wished him to die. Why didn’t he do it? God wasn’t there for him as he had been in the past. He wasn’t answering Job’s questions about why this was happening. His friends were telling him it was his fault because he sinned. They told him God would never had done this if Job hadn’t sinned. Yet Job knew himself to be innocent.

People speak of the patience of Job yet what choice did he have? The one thing he knew was that God had loved him in the past. I think he was sure that contrary to what he was experiencing God’s nature had not changed. That there was something in the situation he didn’t understand. And he sure did ask. But God remained silent.

We know what Job didn’t know. That God was allowing the Devil to tempt him to prove that Job was a truly good man who loved God. But God never did explain this to Job. He asked him “Where were you when I created the earth?’ Job 38:4. He then asked him the same question about God’s creation of the heavens and all the creatures of the earth. God pointed to his creation and his power. Finally Job understood just how small he was in comparison to God and he said:

“You said, ‘Listen now and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me’
My ears had heard of you,
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:4-6

Did he repent for a sin he just remembered. No. He repented for not recognizing God’s absolute power over his creation.

So it seems that my only recourse in my fear is to remember Job and endure just as he did because I know that God is good. Also I pray for kindness of strangers.

Friends, write to me and I will pray for you and ask your prayers for me.

Finding God in Solitude

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As often as possible Jesus withdrew to out-of-the-way places for prayer.” Luke 5:16.

The best and most effective way to handle depression and suicidal thought for me is to go hiking alone in the mountains. The very act of hiking is prayer without words. I am released from myself and the steps I take, the fatigue, the sweat all become part of my prayer.

Contemplation is meditation on God. What St. John of the Cross called the silent music. The joy of the presense of God, of silent companionship and unknown communion with the One.

To hike is to delight in the Creator and his creation; to be cleansed. Today I go hiking in the Sandia mountains and like Job I think I will have little to say to the magnicence of the Creator other than, I am unworthy.

I will bring my silent prayers for each of you with me. May you be blessed as well as me.

A Stranger Gave Me The Solution

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It was a bad day. My suicidal impulses surprised me today. They are sneaky and they creep up on me while I am looking in the other direction. I think the worst part is that they whisper, they don’t shout.

A couple of weeks ago Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon sent me the following email as a response to my question to him; is this depression with suicidal ideation due to some unconfessed sin? I would like to share part of his response with you.

“Let me suggest, in the meanwhile, something you will find useful in tackling this problem:
Try to give thanks continually, or any time you remember to do so. It is nearly impossible to be giving thanks to God and, simultaneously, to be offending him. The best antidote to depression is the cultivation of thanksgiving to God—whether you FEEL like giving thanks or not. No words in the world are so precious to the ears of God as “thank you.” The goal is to have our souls transformed by the constant cultivation of thanksgiving. It will remove all bitterness and fill us with joy. (Don’t expect it work overnight, however. It will take a bit of real work.

As often as you think to do so, quietly tell Jesus you love him, and ask him to reveal his love and presence to the deepest parts of your soul”

Fr. Reardon is right, it is very hard to give thanks for my sufferings, especially the confusion I feel around the issue of suicide. But he is right that it focuses me on what is important, My Lord and Savior. The self-involvement of depression and suicidal ideation is dreadful and unwanted. I think the worst part of depression is being focused on self when I just want escape from self. So it seems right to just focus on Jesus, to love him, to thank him for my life even though I can’t see the goodness of it now.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement and your kindness. It makes me happy to pray for you and I know you continue to pray for me.