Yesterday suicide whispered in my ear until I fell into an exhausted sleep. Today the thoughts are an indistinct murmuring in the back of my mind waiting for an unguarded moment when they can rise up and seize my being. You see, the very fact that I must be constantly mindful makes me self-absorbed. If I could simply drift from activity to activity without being watchful perhaps I could forget myself for a few moments.

The best advice I have gotten is to pray. Not to ask God to remove the thoughts that he has chosen to give me but to thank him for the thoughts. Really? So I’ve been told by Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon. I’m doing it, when I remember to and it does have the advantage of surprising the thoughts. They simply don’t know what to make of this. In a way it reminds me of Paul in Romans 12:20 “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” The suicidal thoughts seem confused by my thanking God for them which heaps these particular coals on their heads.

The wish to commit suicide is in part a response to the self-absorption. I am just tired of myself. God please give me some rest. Professionals and others have given me advice on how to handle these thoughts. The things that have worked for me are prayer as described above and keeping myself occupied especially physically. I love to hike and do so often. I do some volunteering, go at art shows and an occasional concert.

The one piece of advice that hasn’t worked out so well is being connected to people. Go to activities with other people etc. I kept feeling like no one liked me then I realized that the problem was me. I didn’t like them. Not so much that I didn’t like them as we just had nothing in common. I find most social activities boring. Especially parties. Times of getting together for its own sake. So I have decided to just do the things I like alone. This is an admirable solution in that I don’t bore others and I am not bored. Perhaps I will meet people who genuinely like the same things I do and that would truly be a blessing.

Thank you again for your many comments and helpful suggestions. Please if you have time look at the comments I got on my last two blogs. These people are hurting and took the time to care about another person. It let’s me know that God is truly active in this world.