Tag Archives: Patrick Reardon

God’s Final Word to Job

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Presuming on God is a dangerous business and I wish not to be guilty of it. By comparing my trial with that of Job I don’t compare myself to the great Job. But I believe we are given the story of Job to understand what it means to be tried by God. Right now, I wonder if my temptation to suicide is subsiding and may not continue. What am I to make of this trial? What lesson am I meant to learn? What is the meaning of this experience? Of course, this may simply be a lull in the Whisperer’s attack.

God addresses Job who is silent before God. Why? God hasn’t answered Job’s questions about his suffering. Yet God has satisfied Job because God has spoken to him and that was what job really wanted. God then asks Job who is more righteous God or himself based on the evidence.

In Job 40:8 God asks:
“Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?

So what did Job gain from this trial? According to Fr. Patrick Reardon, “One observes in Job’s repentance that he arrives at a new state of humility, not from consideration of his own sins, but by his experience of God’s overwhelming power and glory. When God finally reveals Himself to Job, the revelation is different from anything Job either sought or expected, but clearly he is not disappointed.”

The modern world does not greatly value humility. Certainly it is rare for parents to stress humility as a virtue for their children. You need self-confidence is a common dictum to children. I am no different. I have valued my independence and self-reliance as much as or more than most modern people do. My husband’s suicide and the subsequent deterioration in my mental state with suicidal ideation has certainly caused me to reconsider my reliance on self. In my current state self-reliance seems delusional. In my temptation to suicide God’s power and my weakness are exposed to both me and all the world. Fr. Reardon says of Job’s trial “Instead of pleading his (God’s) case with Job, as Job has often requested, the Lord deals with him as with a child. Job must return to his childhood sense of awe and of wonder. It is the Lord’s last word in the argument.” Certainly as a result of my temptation and trial I am more aware of my complete dependence on God. Every breath I take is because he wills it. This is something I have always known intellectually but it now has an immediacy and actuality that is more real than all my human concerns.

In wisdom literature the doubling of Job’s fortune and life and God’s direct interaction with Job are definitive. In my life I learn more slowly and I must wait to see if this trial is ending or if it is simply an interlude. In either case I am grateful for the much-needed rest.

Waiting at the Closed Door

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Finally the door is opening. The Whisperer hasn’t been heard from in four days. Maybe because I’ve faced the closed-door in my life and made some difficult decisions.

On Friday I decided to move from Albuquerque to Santa Fé. This was unthinkable before because by moving I am leaving my husband behind, or at least our last years together before his suicide.

It’s strange but this town has never felt right. It isn’t a fit for me and I don’t know why. I suspect it has to do with all I suffered here.

I feel friendless although I do have what I would call practical friends. Those who share a meal with me at a restaurant, those I see at church or even those I exchange birthday cards with. But I haven’t met anyone in Albuquerque who shares their life with me. Perhaps the best way to characterize Albuquerque is that it is an antiseptic that may have been good for my wounds.

This morning, Sunday, I went to Holy Trinity Orthodox Church in Santa Fé. I used to tell my therapist when I lost my faith that I missed God and I missed liturgy. When I received my faith back, I got God back. Today I got liturgy back. With it, I prayed with all my senses as well as with my mind and my soul. It was glorious and exhausting. I guess it was a return to the very thing that brought me to Christ.

The Orthodox church this Sunday commemorates the women who came to the tomb carrying myrrh to anoint Jesus’ body. The priest said the women were the first apostles. I like that. He pointed out that timing was everything. Had they come to the tomb sooner the stone would have still been in place. Instead they waited and when they came the stone was rolled back and they were the first to know that Christ was no longer in the tomb. The priest said that to wait for a closed-door to open or in the women’s case, a huge rock to be rolled back is not a vacant activity devoid of meaning. It is a time of active waiting and often yes, a time of suffering. But if we don’t wait for God’s time then we may miss the resurrection.

All of this makes me think of the trial of Job. Fr. Pat Reardon says that Job didn’t know that God was trying him. His friends said that because God was just then Job’s punishment was for sin he wouldn’t admit. Job knew he had not sinned. However, God knew, Satan knew and the Bible reader knows that Job’s suffering was a trial that gave God glory in light of Satan’s taunts. That Job suffered because God allowed it. The odd thing is that God never told Job why he suffered. But it was enough for Job to understand how great God is. He understood that his questions needed no answer in light of who God is.

Now that is an example I would like to follow.

The Whisperer is Back

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Today I was going to talk about aging and suicide but the Whisperer is back and I need to talk about that. He’s got my number. He’s telling me that because no one has the answer of how to help me they don’t care.

While I have a couple of Job’s friend types in my life, most of the people I talk to don’t even know what I am going through. The ones who do, they care. I could call a couple of people now and they would try to help. But they just can’t. Frankly I don’t want to ruin their day by saying what I have already said repeatedly. They pray for me and that is really the only thing that can help.

The gut churning confusion prevents me from praying eloquently. Mostly my prayer is to ask the Holy Spirit to pray for me. God reads my blog long before I write it so he knows what’s going on. I guess today my blog is my prayer. Dear God, I am not asking you why, I know this is a trial. I know that you intend to carry out something with me, though I don’t know what that is. I know that if you made it easier for me, you wouldn’t achieve your goal. It just has to feel this way because that is what changes me.

You who follow my blog strengthen me with your words and with your prayers and I know you will do that when you read this. Many of you have a Whisperer as well and you are fighting the same fight. I pray that my trial will strengthen you and make yours easier. God bless you my friends.

Give me strength Lord to bear it.

The Kindness of Strangers

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Often I am aware of how alone I am. I have no family and my friends are the practical kind, we sometimes do things together.

I made arrangements for my own funeral and body disposal since there is no one to do it when the time comes. I carry a device which allows me to call for help if an emergency arises no matter where I am. I depend on the kindness of strangers in an emergency.

My worst fears are living in a public nursing home, left in my mess to lie for hours while unfeeling staffers ignore me knowing I can’t cry out. That I have no one to help me. So many have passed the end of their lives this way. A final suffering of indignity. To be utterly unwanted and unnoticed. Their passing just a blip on the surface of time.

Yet I know a couple who have a son who cannot see or walk or talk but he can and does smile. He is in his thirties and knows he is loved. The mother’s life revolves around her son. I have never discussed it with the couple but I’ll bet they have made every arrangement to have him looked after when they no longer can. But I am sure they must fear for him.

One person in a loving couple can probably depend on the care of the surviving spouse. But that spouse may have indifferent children or none at all and face the same fears I do.

Suicide is a solution. Surely Job thought about it as he sat on the ash heap with only uncaring friends and a wife who wished him to die. Why didn’t he do it? God wasn’t there for him as he had been in the past. He wasn’t answering Job’s questions about why this was happening. His friends were telling him it was his fault because he sinned. They told him God would never had done this if Job hadn’t sinned. Yet Job knew himself to be innocent.

People speak of the patience of Job yet what choice did he have? The one thing he knew was that God had loved him in the past. I think he was sure that contrary to what he was experiencing God’s nature had not changed. That there was something in the situation he didn’t understand. And he sure did ask. But God remained silent.

We know what Job didn’t know. That God was allowing the Devil to tempt him to prove that Job was a truly good man who loved God. But God never did explain this to Job. He asked him “Where were you when I created the earth?’ Job 38:4. He then asked him the same question about God’s creation of the heavens and all the creatures of the earth. God pointed to his creation and his power. Finally Job understood just how small he was in comparison to God and he said:

“You said, ‘Listen now and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me’
My ears had heard of you,
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:4-6

Did he repent for a sin he just remembered. No. He repented for not recognizing God’s absolute power over his creation.

So it seems that my only recourse in my fear is to remember Job and endure just as he did because I know that God is good. Also I pray for kindness of strangers.

Friends, write to me and I will pray for you and ask your prayers for me.

Self-Absorption and Suicide

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Yesterday suicide whispered in my ear until I fell into an exhausted sleep. Today the thoughts are an indistinct murmuring in the back of my mind waiting for an unguarded moment when they can rise up and seize my being. You see, the very fact that I must be constantly mindful makes me self-absorbed. If I could simply drift from activity to activity without being watchful perhaps I could forget myself for a few moments.

The best advice I have gotten is to pray. Not to ask God to remove the thoughts that he has chosen to give me but to thank him for the thoughts. Really? So I’ve been told by Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon. I’m doing it, when I remember to and it does have the advantage of surprising the thoughts. They simply don’t know what to make of this. In a way it reminds me of Paul in Romans 12:20 “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” The suicidal thoughts seem confused by my thanking God for them which heaps these particular coals on their heads.

The wish to commit suicide is in part a response to the self-absorption. I am just tired of myself. God please give me some rest. Professionals and others have given me advice on how to handle these thoughts. The things that have worked for me are prayer as described above and keeping myself occupied especially physically. I love to hike and do so often. I do some volunteering, go at art shows and an occasional concert.

The one piece of advice that hasn’t worked out so well is being connected to people. Go to activities with other people etc. I kept feeling like no one liked me then I realized that the problem was me. I didn’t like them. Not so much that I didn’t like them as we just had nothing in common. I find most social activities boring. Especially parties. Times of getting together for its own sake. So I have decided to just do the things I like alone. This is an admirable solution in that I don’t bore others and I am not bored. Perhaps I will meet people who genuinely like the same things I do and that would truly be a blessing.

Thank you again for your many comments and helpful suggestions. Please if you have time look at the comments I got on my last two blogs. These people are hurting and took the time to care about another person. It let’s me know that God is truly active in this world.

A Stranger Gave Me The Solution

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It was a bad day. My suicidal impulses surprised me today. They are sneaky and they creep up on me while I am looking in the other direction. I think the worst part is that they whisper, they don’t shout.

A couple of weeks ago Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon sent me the following email as a response to my question to him; is this depression with suicidal ideation due to some unconfessed sin? I would like to share part of his response with you.

“Let me suggest, in the meanwhile, something you will find useful in tackling this problem:
Try to give thanks continually, or any time you remember to do so. It is nearly impossible to be giving thanks to God and, simultaneously, to be offending him. The best antidote to depression is the cultivation of thanksgiving to God—whether you FEEL like giving thanks or not. No words in the world are so precious to the ears of God as “thank you.” The goal is to have our souls transformed by the constant cultivation of thanksgiving. It will remove all bitterness and fill us with joy. (Don’t expect it work overnight, however. It will take a bit of real work.

As often as you think to do so, quietly tell Jesus you love him, and ask him to reveal his love and presence to the deepest parts of your soul”

Fr. Reardon is right, it is very hard to give thanks for my sufferings, especially the confusion I feel around the issue of suicide. But he is right that it focuses me on what is important, My Lord and Savior. The self-involvement of depression and suicidal ideation is dreadful and unwanted. I think the worst part of depression is being focused on self when I just want escape from self. So it seems right to just focus on Jesus, to love him, to thank him for my life even though I can’t see the goodness of it now.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement and your kindness. It makes me happy to pray for you and I know you continue to pray for me.

The Suffering of Job

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I gained more insight into my own struggle with suicide from “The Trial of Job,” by Patrick Reardon than from any therapy or any pill I have been given.  In this meditation I will use his insights without further attribution.

The Book of Job had always been difficult for me because I could not relate to Job, a righteous man.  I know that I am a sinner.  Not a day passes that I don’t need God’s forgiveness.

Patrick Reardon’s commentary reveals Job as having no idea why he is suffering.  God had allowed Satan to try Job’s faith by bringing tragedy on Job’s entire life.  God insisted that Satan protect only Job’s person.  God, Satan and the reader of Job know that God has allowed this trial but Job does not.  How could he?   As a Gentile, not a Jew, he had never heard of God’s trial of Abraham and Isaac and so he didn’t have an inkling that his suffering had this terrible meaning.  Job’s faithfulness in trial pleased God. That is, the faithfulness of Job gave God glory.

Throughout the gospel of John, Jesus speaks of his upcoming death as giving glory to the Father.  So the trial of Job is a precursor of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

I realize that God allowing  man to suffer would be no comfort to an atheist or agnostic or a modern Christian who does not believe that sin offends God.  i believe that man can need a savior only if he has personally sinned.  Jesus’ death on a cross has redeemed me from being an outcast to God and given me eternal life with Him.  I am grateful and love God because he first loved me.  Therefore if it pleases God to try my faith through loss of a loved one or the temptation to suicide, so be it!  So easily said  yet so hard to bear.

God must have had a lot of confidence in Job’s love for him to allow Satan to tempt him to despair.  God also knew that if Job stayed true, his faith would grow.  In contrast Satan was sure that Job when he lost all his good things would curse God.  In other words, Satan is sure that man is inherently selfish.  That he loves God only for the benefits that come to him.

After Job loses every earthly blessing, his children, his flocks and his homes, he does not curse God.  So  Satan must once again go to God and propose that since Job only endured the loss of his wealth and children that if God allows him to lose his health then he will curse God.  God continues in his belief in Job’s love for him and lets Satan have his way with him.  God afflicts Job with all kinds of sickness Perhaps even leprosy.  Job is left sitting on an ash heap scraping his itching, rotting flesh with a pottery shard.  While Job is in terrible pain, I believe that his greatest pain  must have been his mental confusion.  I wonder if he considered suicide.  He cursed the day he was born and his wife encouraged him to curse God which he would not do.  While he no longer praised God, he did endure silently and would not curse God

Having lost, Satan permanently exits from the story of Job.

However to make matters worse for poor Job, his friends arrive to comfort him.