God is the cornerstone of life for the lonely. We must reach out to God in our aloneness for no one is near to comfort us. Loneliness gives us reason to pray, to draw closer to God. Being old and finding oneself alone is intimidating at first but finally it is known as a gift. It makes us put God at the center of our lives.
I came late to God. An atheist childhood put God out of reach. God is for the weak; they told me, for those who can’t face their contingency and final aloneness in a vast universe that is indifferent to man. Each man’s life is all there is and he can make his own rules since man is his own God. A cold comfort to a child longing for real meaning that can only come from something greater than the self.
In childhood survival and gaining the needed skills to survive occupy us. Even if we are not loved we are busy preparing for the everydayness of adult life. Survival of abusive parents suffices as a reason to exist. Puzzling out the whys of the daily indignities can occupy our minds in the quiet moments if we haven’t yet met our Savior.
Then comes early adulthood and career and perhaps a marriage or two for which we finally realize we are ill-equipped. Being raised without love leave raw burns on our soul and doesn’t give us a basis to understand the other in our lives. Finally we realize it is best to have no children for we fear that having been bitten by the vampire of cruelty in childhood that we might now be vampires ourselves. The one thing we vowed was to never hurt a child.
Finally in middle age, the unimaginable happens. For me, the glorious music of chant told me what I needed to know. That the God for whom I longed, longed for me. I had always been told that God didn’t exist, that he was the crutch of the weak. Finally I find myself weak and there he is. How right my self-sufficient parents had been, only in our sorrow and weakness did I allow my God come to me.
Now I am old. My beloved husband is gone. Friends are scattered across the land and they spend their time in the business of their own lives. Yet God is there for me. He fills my days with his voice in his Word. My prayers are my constant companion. He brings people into my life who need my help for a time and then they get on with their lives.
When I was a hospice volunteer, I found it odd that people would die when I left the room. After hours of sitting with the dying, praying for them, holding their hands I would be forced to leave the room for a brief time. It was then when they were finally alone, they chose to die. Now I understand.
Finally we are all alone with our God.
Tag Archives: faith
Coping with Suicidal Thoughts
Most people have had thoughts of ending their life. When you are grieving the loss of someone you love, or when you are lonely or afraid, it is common to think of it. But it is one thing to think about suicide and quite another to feel a compulsion to kill yourself.
Since my husband killed himself nearly two years ago, thoughts of suicide have been my frequent companion. Several times these thoughts have resulted in my going to the hospital for evaluation. Sometimes, but not always, I am also depressed when I feel this terrible compulsion to kill myself. I call these compulsive thoughts of suicide the Whisperer because it feels like someone is urging me to kill myself.
I have worked out a strategy to handle suicidal impulses. It isn’t a sure-fire solution but it does help.
First, I pray. I can find comfort and assurance in prayer. Reading the Bible and reading authors whose work I can trust also fall under this dictum of prayer. I find especially helpful a couple of books by Patrick Reardon, The Trial of Job and The Jesus We Missed: The Surprising Truth About the Humanity of Christ. Understanding that Jesus was really human, that when he underwent temptation he felt tempted. When Satan took Jesus into the desert at the beginning of his ministry and told him to throw himself off the mountain because God would save him, we know that Jesus was genuinely tested. He wasn’t walking through it like playing a part in a film. He felt the temptation. This makes him a savior I can relate to. If you search back through my other posts you will find that Job’s trials helped me to understand the impulse to kill myself as a trial by God. God isn’t standing aside being repulsed by my urge to kill myself, he is loving me and giving me the spiritual strength to endure.
What if I can’t pray? Then I ask the Holy Spirit to pray for me as described in Romans 8:26. I also ask friends and fellow Christians to pray for me that God will comfort me and strengthen me. Send me a comment asking for prayer and I and others who read this site will pray or you. Not just once but every day.
Second, I do the things I love even though I don’t want to do them. This takes tremendous will. I love to hike and since I live in New Mexico near the Sandia Mountains I am able to hike when I want. It always helps. I come back restored to who I really am. Sometimes I go every day. Just knowing that I can go hiking the next morning gets me through those terrible nights with the Whisperer. I also take photographs when I hike and sometimes I go out in the city to take photographs in the evenings when the Whisperer afflicts me. Seeing through a camera lens changes my perspective and cleanses me of my own preoccupations with age, loneliness and fear. In the evening I go to places where people are shopping or eating in restaurants and take photos of faces and grouping that catch my eye. Amazing how purifying that is.
Third, I seek out people. Since I don’t have many friends, I usually go to a restaurant where I know the servers and talk with them. We just talk stuff. None of them know my problem. They tell me about their kids and problems with jobs and sick parents. Somehow caring about another person helps me to forget myself. It always takes an effort to get beyond myself but when I do I find it liberating.
Fourth, Send me an email at msscholz@aol.com and I will respond as soon as I get it. Let me know your telephone number if you want me to call you. Maybe we can pray and talk and that will help. If you don’t want to email me then call the national suicide hotline and they will connect you with local help. The number is 1-800-273-8255.
Just remember, Friend, that if you can make it until the morning or for a couple of hours you will see things differently. Whether you are lonely or afraid, abused or old. Whatever the problem, it won’t go away but it can get better. There are people who care.
I care and want to help you. I will pray with you, listen to you and give you a shoulder to cry on. Just don’t take that final step. You will be glad you didn’t and so will I and a lot of other people who read this blog.
God’s Final Word to Job
Presuming on God is a dangerous business and I wish not to be guilty of it. By comparing my trial with that of Job I don’t compare myself to the great Job. But I believe we are given the story of Job to understand what it means to be tried by God. Right now, I wonder if my temptation to suicide is subsiding and may not continue. What am I to make of this trial? What lesson am I meant to learn? What is the meaning of this experience? Of course, this may simply be a lull in the Whisperer’s attack.
God addresses Job who is silent before God. Why? God hasn’t answered Job’s questions about his suffering. Yet God has satisfied Job because God has spoken to him and that was what job really wanted. God then asks Job who is more righteous God or himself based on the evidence.
In Job 40:8 God asks:
“Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
So what did Job gain from this trial? According to Fr. Patrick Reardon, “One observes in Job’s repentance that he arrives at a new state of humility, not from consideration of his own sins, but by his experience of God’s overwhelming power and glory. When God finally reveals Himself to Job, the revelation is different from anything Job either sought or expected, but clearly he is not disappointed.”
The modern world does not greatly value humility. Certainly it is rare for parents to stress humility as a virtue for their children. You need self-confidence is a common dictum to children. I am no different. I have valued my independence and self-reliance as much as or more than most modern people do. My husband’s suicide and the subsequent deterioration in my mental state with suicidal ideation has certainly caused me to reconsider my reliance on self. In my current state self-reliance seems delusional. In my temptation to suicide God’s power and my weakness are exposed to both me and all the world. Fr. Reardon says of Job’s trial “Instead of pleading his (God’s) case with Job, as Job has often requested, the Lord deals with him as with a child. Job must return to his childhood sense of awe and of wonder. It is the Lord’s last word in the argument.” Certainly as a result of my temptation and trial I am more aware of my complete dependence on God. Every breath I take is because he wills it. This is something I have always known intellectually but it now has an immediacy and actuality that is more real than all my human concerns.
In wisdom literature the doubling of Job’s fortune and life and God’s direct interaction with Job are definitive. In my life I learn more slowly and I must wait to see if this trial is ending or if it is simply an interlude. In either case I am grateful for the much-needed rest.
Aging and Suicide
Today a release in the Albuquerque Journal Staff Wire headlined “Brother, Sister Die in Likely Murder-Suicide.” Police identified the victims as Kenneth and Shirley Robson, both of whom were in their 60′s. The brother was a caretaker for his sister and they lived in a mobile home. Police detectives speculate that either health or financial problems prompted the murder-suicide.
Perhaps their problems might have been spiritual. I wonder if loneliness and fear were the motivating factors. Our society is one that promises a “safety net”. But what is the safety net for despair? Did the brother in seeking help for his sister get handed a lot of forms with stern admonitions about qualifying for help. Was he met with hard faces at the agencies where he went for help? Did he belong to a church? Did the church look beneath the surface to see the despair? Or were they just overlooked by all these organizations of help as a an unnecessary impediment to their mission.
People over 80 have the highest rates of suicide in the country. Why? They are too often left alone to cope on insufficient incomes and illness without people who befriend them.
While there are many people genuinely trying to help people like the Robsons, I don’t think that government agencies or even churches are the best way for them to get help. Neighbor’s who look out for warning signs, who visit even though they have busy lives, who try to understand the neglected and desperate are the foundation of help. It is so easy to turn a blind eye to the desperate.
How often when I have tried to help someone who seemed needy have I been rebuffed or perhaps my help was abused; the need was feigned. As a consequence I have found myself looking away from problems and letting myself grow cynical. When I do this I miss the chance to help someone genuinely in need that God is calling me to help. I am sure that what I have done is a terrible thing in th<a
Let's look around us and notice those in need. Those who aren't visited, who remain alone day after day and remember what our Lord said about helping our neighbor and the widow and the orphan. Let's not wait for the agency to step in but get them the help they need.
Please let me know what you think about the Robson's. It may be that nothing could have been done. Yet again something might have been done and wasn't. God forgive us if that is true.
Waiting at the Closed Door
Finally the door is opening. The Whisperer hasn’t been heard from in four days. Maybe because I’ve faced the closed-door in my life and made some difficult decisions.
On Friday I decided to move from Albuquerque to Santa Fé. This was unthinkable before because by moving I am leaving my husband behind, or at least our last years together before his suicide.
It’s strange but this town has never felt right. It isn’t a fit for me and I don’t know why. I suspect it has to do with all I suffered here.
I feel friendless although I do have what I would call practical friends. Those who share a meal with me at a restaurant, those I see at church or even those I exchange birthday cards with. But I haven’t met anyone in Albuquerque who shares their life with me. Perhaps the best way to characterize Albuquerque is that it is an antiseptic that may have been good for my wounds.
This morning, Sunday, I went to Holy Trinity Orthodox Church in Santa Fé. I used to tell my therapist when I lost my faith that I missed God and I missed liturgy. When I received my faith back, I got God back. Today I got liturgy back. With it, I prayed with all my senses as well as with my mind and my soul. It was glorious and exhausting. I guess it was a return to the very thing that brought me to Christ.
The Orthodox church this Sunday commemorates the women who came to the tomb carrying myrrh to anoint Jesus’ body. The priest said the women were the first apostles. I like that. He pointed out that timing was everything. Had they come to the tomb sooner the stone would have still been in place. Instead they waited and when they came the stone was rolled back and they were the first to know that Christ was no longer in the tomb. The priest said that to wait for a closed-door to open or in the women’s case, a huge rock to be rolled back is not a vacant activity devoid of meaning. It is a time of active waiting and often yes, a time of suffering. But if we don’t wait for God’s time then we may miss the resurrection.
All of this makes me think of the trial of Job. Fr. Pat Reardon says that Job didn’t know that God was trying him. His friends said that because God was just then Job’s punishment was for sin he wouldn’t admit. Job knew he had not sinned. However, God knew, Satan knew and the Bible reader knows that Job’s suffering was a trial that gave God glory in light of Satan’s taunts. That Job suffered because God allowed it. The odd thing is that God never told Job why he suffered. But it was enough for Job to understand how great God is. He understood that his questions needed no answer in light of who God is.
Now that is an example I would like to follow.
Why Would Jesus Need to Die for Me?
This post is a bit off topic but not really.
Yesterday evening, Ryan, a young man I met about a year ago stopped by my place to help me with a computer problem. Both of us being tired just sat there after he fixed the problem and talked. We talked about my belief in Christ. Ryan told me that he had heard a young man on the radio say just what he was thinking. “Why would Jesus need to die for me. Why isn’t my saying I’m sorry enough?” As I groped for an answer. I thought of Ryan’s two-year old son whom we had just been discussing.
I then hypothesized, “Suppose your son was grown and he looked you in the eye and told you he was going to betray his country and nothing you could say would stop him. Then suppose the result of the betrayal was that a million people including everyone you love died an agonizing death.
How could your son ever get right with you again? The size of what he had done would be insurmountable. You would want to forgive him but could you when things weren’t set right. Yet how could your son ever set it right? No matter how repentant he was. No matter how much you loved him. The enormity of the betrayal would still be there. All those people would still be dead.”
We then talked about the meaning of going against the infinite God and how we choose to do it every day. I explained that even a small offence against God is infinite not because of our nature but because of the nature of the one we are offending. While in my example the son’s offence was not infinite the consequences of the sin were so large that no human could deal with it. I then said that because God is infinitely good the smallest offence against his will is infinite. We simply are not able on our own to cross the breach between us and God.
That is why our gracious God gave us his Son to breach that gap. The whole Old Testament is a foreshadowing of the sacrifice of the One who finally made mankind right with his creator. Only the death of God himself could pay the price of our sin.
Ryan said that for the first time he understood why Jesus was crucified. He said he wanted to talk about the resurrection next. God help me! After he left I sat there and wondered about the inadequacy of my explanation.
I would love your comments and suggestions. I would like to do better next time.
All I Did Was Ask for a Prescription
Yesterday I once again entered the Kafkaesque medical world. After going to a nurse practitioner at my doctor’s office and to the grocery store I returned home to find two cop cars in front of my house.
I parked and went up to the police and yes they had an order to take me to the hospital for evaluation of being at risk of suicide. They allowed me to put some things in the frig and I called a neighbor to ask her to board my dogs.
The police took me to the hospital in the back seat of the cop car. My neighbors were gawking, and I, of course, was totally humiliated. Once at the hospital they told me to strip naked and put on a hospital gown with no shoes, no phone and no glasses. Next they put me in a room on the psych ward with no door and I then waited 20 hours before being evaluated.
It all started at my Monday morning appointment to see a nurse practitioner about another problem. I had decided to bring up the problem of depression after my episode on Sunday. Previously I have been reluctant to take yet another antidepressant since they have so many side effects. I explained the problem of depression to the nurse and she asked if I had thoughts of suicide.
I carefully answered that yes, I had thoughts of suicide, but I had no intention of taking my life. On the contrary I told her of my dedication to not doing so. I even told her about my blog. She was not impressed.
While I was speaking the nurse was typing every word I said verbatim into her online computer. She continued asking questions that were almost accusatory.
I was becoming extremely uneasy with her typing. It wasn’t a normal health care visit, it was more like she was taking my deposition. She didn’t meet my eye, she just asked questions and typed. Finally I asked her why; she said that’s the way she did it. I asked her to stop and she said no.
I told her that I thought my visit with her was a mistake and that I was leaving because I did not want every word I said available to the entire health system and any other person who gained access to it. My very own Nurse Ratchat asked if I was coming back and I said no, not to her.
The good part of my incarceration was that I prayed for most of the 20 hours I was there and regained my composure. Finally the counselor interviewed me and agreed that I wasn’t suicidal and had not needed an evaluation. After about an hour and a half they released me and I gladly walked the three miles home in the hot Albuquerque sun.
The first thing I did when I got home was call my health care provider and tell them to give me a new primary care physician. They asked me who I wanted and told them I didn’t care just so I got rid of the one I had.
The Kindness of Strangers
Often I am aware of how alone I am. I have no family and my friends are the practical kind, we sometimes do things together.
I made arrangements for my own funeral and body disposal since there is no one to do it when the time comes. I carry a device which allows me to call for help if an emergency arises no matter where I am. I depend on the kindness of strangers in an emergency.
My worst fears are living in a public nursing home, left in my mess to lie for hours while unfeeling staffers ignore me knowing I can’t cry out. That I have no one to help me. So many have passed the end of their lives this way. A final suffering of indignity. To be utterly unwanted and unnoticed. Their passing just a blip on the surface of time.
Yet I know a couple who have a son who cannot see or walk or talk but he can and does smile. He is in his thirties and knows he is loved. The mother’s life revolves around her son. I have never discussed it with the couple but I’ll bet they have made every arrangement to have him looked after when they no longer can. But I am sure they must fear for him.
One person in a loving couple can probably depend on the care of the surviving spouse. But that spouse may have indifferent children or none at all and face the same fears I do.
Suicide is a solution. Surely Job thought about it as he sat on the ash heap with only uncaring friends and a wife who wished him to die. Why didn’t he do it? God wasn’t there for him as he had been in the past. He wasn’t answering Job’s questions about why this was happening. His friends were telling him it was his fault because he sinned. They told him God would never had done this if Job hadn’t sinned. Yet Job knew himself to be innocent.
People speak of the patience of Job yet what choice did he have? The one thing he knew was that God had loved him in the past. I think he was sure that contrary to what he was experiencing God’s nature had not changed. That there was something in the situation he didn’t understand. And he sure did ask. But God remained silent.
We know what Job didn’t know. That God was allowing the Devil to tempt him to prove that Job was a truly good man who loved God. But God never did explain this to Job. He asked him “Where were you when I created the earth?’ Job 38:4. He then asked him the same question about God’s creation of the heavens and all the creatures of the earth. God pointed to his creation and his power. Finally Job understood just how small he was in comparison to God and he said:
“You said, ‘Listen now and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me’
My ears had heard of you,
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:4-6
Did he repent for a sin he just remembered. No. He repented for not recognizing God’s absolute power over his creation.
So it seems that my only recourse in my fear is to remember Job and endure just as he did because I know that God is good. Also I pray for kindness of strangers.
Friends, write to me and I will pray for you and ask your prayers for me.
Finding God in Solitude
As often as possible Jesus withdrew to out-of-the-way places for prayer.” Luke 5:16.
The best and most effective way to handle depression and suicidal thought for me is to go hiking alone in the mountains. The very act of hiking is prayer without words. I am released from myself and the steps I take, the fatigue, the sweat all become part of my prayer.
Contemplation is meditation on God. What St. John of the Cross called the silent music. The joy of the presense of God, of silent companionship and unknown communion with the One.
To hike is to delight in the Creator and his creation; to be cleansed. Today I go hiking in the Sandia mountains and like Job I think I will have little to say to the magnicence of the Creator other than, I am unworthy.
I will bring my silent prayers for each of you with me. May you be blessed as well as me.
Self-Absorption and Suicide
Yesterday suicide whispered in my ear until I fell into an exhausted sleep. Today the thoughts are an indistinct murmuring in the back of my mind waiting for an unguarded moment when they can rise up and seize my being. You see, the very fact that I must be constantly mindful makes me self-absorbed. If I could simply drift from activity to activity without being watchful perhaps I could forget myself for a few moments.
The best advice I have gotten is to pray. Not to ask God to remove the thoughts that he has chosen to give me but to thank him for the thoughts. Really? So I’ve been told by Fr. Patrick Henry Reardon. I’m doing it, when I remember to and it does have the advantage of surprising the thoughts. They simply don’t know what to make of this. In a way it reminds me of Paul in Romans 12:20 “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” The suicidal thoughts seem confused by my thanking God for them which heaps these particular coals on their heads.
The wish to commit suicide is in part a response to the self-absorption. I am just tired of myself. God please give me some rest. Professionals and others have given me advice on how to handle these thoughts. The things that have worked for me are prayer as described above and keeping myself occupied especially physically. I love to hike and do so often. I do some volunteering, go at art shows and an occasional concert.
The one piece of advice that hasn’t worked out so well is being connected to people. Go to activities with other people etc. I kept feeling like no one liked me then I realized that the problem was me. I didn’t like them. Not so much that I didn’t like them as we just had nothing in common. I find most social activities boring. Especially parties. Times of getting together for its own sake. So I have decided to just do the things I like alone. This is an admirable solution in that I don’t bore others and I am not bored. Perhaps I will meet people who genuinely like the same things I do and that would truly be a blessing.
Thank you again for your many comments and helpful suggestions. Please if you have time look at the comments I got on my last two blogs. These people are hurting and took the time to care about another person. It let’s me know that God is truly active in this world.
